a house d|i|v|i|d|e|d

My name is Sey. I have some problems. I'm just here to post what I feel.
I'm sorry.
 
 

February 23, 2014, 8:04pm...1 month ago


i feel like i’m deteriorating even faster, an exponential decay of hope, even though i feel like i have none left

i still can’t tell exactly the day i’d go, i have menial things keeping me going day by day because “I just want to see this episode” or “i just want to read this story”

but when i run out of them or it’s not enough…

and that day feels closer and closer and i’m nervous someone’s going to stop me and make it so the going hurts more than it has to

i really should look into ways to go

i’ve heard that freezing to death isn’t that painful if you’re asleep. but spring’s starting to try and show up so if i did that it would have to be soon or not till next november. i always did like snow, very peaceful and beautiful. it would be nice for it to be the last thing i see…


February 23, 2014, 10:16am...1 month ago


i have anxiety

"there’s pills for that" mom says

i have so much stress

"there’s pills for that" mom says

i’m depressed all the time

"there’s pills for that" mom says

and i know that if i tell her

i want to die

have wanted to die for months

she’ll just look at me and say

"there’s pills for that"


February 22, 2014, 11:22pm...1 month ago


I live for few things

The taste of chocolate and mac n cheese

The snow that sits in melting piles around me

The music that lets me block out the noise of the world

The few friends I have left

But the thing I most live for

Is that I’m afraid

That when I decide to go

If I don’t write the book

They won’t be there for me

Because I never wrote them


February 22, 2014, 10:07pm...1 month ago


so these first posts, I’m going to backdate to when I first wrote them, rather than deal with all that. I guess it makes it more honest?


February 22, 2014, 9:51pm...1 month ago


i know i shouldn’t be like this

sad

and brooding

and hopeless

but i don’t want to prove them right

by admitting i need help

let me have this small space

to hide and cry

let me post my sadness

but

don’t follow me to join me

in this dark hole

please, don’t.

let me live my life

as sadly as i want to

and when i decide i’m done

don’t mourn me

i’ve planned it for a long time now.


January 17, 2014, 12:00am...3 months ago


just

let it go

don’t let it mind you

don’t feel

hide it

always

hide it

god forbid  your feelings

become known

because you’re never feeling the right things

because all you do is bring other people down

because all you do ever is fuck up

because that’s all you are

because that’s all the world is

fucked up

let it just let it go and never mind

that you’re in pieces inside

held together by plastic wrap and paint

appearing as together as you can

but the cracks the cracks and spots and holes

they see them they see them

but they don’t see them connecting

to them to them to them it’s just you

being more of a fuckup

than normal

and who cares about the one

that sits by themself

and whose only words

are soft-spoken

but hard-edged

the one who is hard as solid iron

but just as brittle

and all the pressure

is just too much

but who cares who cares be happy and kind

and never feel down that’s bad and you’re bad

it’s never okay to feel bad

only positivity only butterflies only good feelings and smiles

shut up

shut up

shut up

the world wasn’t meant for everyone to be happy

stop trying to make it such

by forcing it everywhere

and let some of us

be the opposite of you we are we are all we are is

not you

and all i say i say to this to you is

stop


January 15, 2014, 12:00am...3 months ago


why is it

I have

more friends than ever

more people I can trust than ever

more people who care than ever

but when it all happens

the only one I feel I can turn to

is the one that

never

answers


November 8, 2013, 12:00am...5 months ago


It’s not

that you don’t like me back

it’s that

I was too afraid

to say a damned thing

too afraid you’d say no

too afraid you’d stop being my friend

too afraid of one of a million things gone wrong

and ruining my hopes forever

I didn’t even know if you could ever feel that way

let alone if you actually did

but then but then

oh then

I heard you say I heard

“girlfriend”

girlfriend girlfriend girlfriend

you could

you could and you did and if I’d just said it once

I could’ve been that “my girlfriend”

and not someone I’d never heard of

from your old school

i know all the times I’d nearly said it nearly nearly but didn’t

there were moments when I’d open my mouth to say it to just spit it out and say it

but I couldn’t

I just couldn’t

and now I know we could’ve could’ve could’ve

but we aren’t

because of me


October 31, 2013, 11:09pm...5 months ago


I didn’t know I loved her

until it was far too late

to turn back

the little things it was all the little things

the way that i never felt awkward around her

not even that edge of nervous

that didn’t leave for even my brothers

or friends

I was totally comfortable around her

I didn’t have to worry about those little odd bits

like how I had that nervous tic

of wringing my hands and looping my sleeves

or how i would say lots of words wrong

in my head and in my voice if i didn’t care

how I would forget words and sentences

language bleeding into each other in a blur

and still and still she’d understand and laugh and not care

that I did so many things so wrong

I didn’t care either

because she didn’t and that meant it was okay

I was comfortable I could speak I could be me without a hint of regret

when i’m with her

and even in the darkest moments I knew

all it took was just was just was just

for her to be near and smile and laugh

and I’d smile and laugh along and

that little spark I had left grew brighter better stronger warmer happier

it wasn’t perfect but it was amazing

her smile her smile it was beautiful and perfect and god how I wanted

to punch anyone I saw that intentionally made it go away

because because she was beautiful amazing perfect glorious her

but still but still something was missing

just missing

it’d never been there

never ever had I known it

so I didn’t know what to think

but then I hear of love and how

when you think of what it’d be like not to kiss and touch and sex

but to just be there beside them

to imagine what it’d feel like to wake up

with them beside you

caressing you holding you in love with the way you were head over heels for them

but then I hear of love and how

to imagine what it would feel like to fall asleep in her arms

to sit for hours in each other’s arms watching b-list movies and quoting them

and then and then and then

oh god and then

I thought of kissing

I wondered I wondered whether her lips are as soft as they look

if she even went that way

and when had I swung this way because

hadn’t that boy been cute still was cute

but so very feminine

and god but it was just looks and

only she was truly amazing glorious beautiful

perfect sweet charming all the words in the world couldn’t describe her well enough

to just touch to just kiss just once just once dear god just once

but I had to had to be sure first

I wouldn’t couldn’t wouldn’t ever

act if I thought she wasn’t

and god then she got that boyfriend or crush or what

I felt I felt I truly felt the moment my heart broke

I loved her I’m in love with her

I’d fallen in love so much so much

and it was hopeless

I just want just want one kiss one kiss

one extra-long hug one time cuddling a bit beyond platonic one whisper

just something something something just one thing and I’ll be happy

but then I see I see her with her crushes on boys and we’re friends we’re friends

and I can’t bear to ever tell

she couldn’t ever reciprocate

I couldn’t put that on her

that I just needed that one thing one kiss one whisper one hint

and she couldn’t provide

and I count my stars

that even if I can’t get that one kiss one hug one love

I still see her and talk to her and laugh and smile and joke and hug

because

at least I know her

and at least she can find a love that can reciprocate

if she’s happy

it’s just as good as that kiss

to see her smile over someone else’s lips on those

but yet it’s not

and it never never never will be


October 24, 2013, 11:04pm...5 months ago


a daydream is just that

a dream

nothing but a dream

not reality, not possible

just make-believe

but dreams are what I live for

and daydreams make my day

and to think of what might happen

of a world with dragons and magic and heroes

of a beautiful hero named Kai

and another named Phoenix

and if i could just

could just be in that world and not this one

this world

where the fact my brain doesn’t work right

means i can’t keep friends more than a year

and i can’t get the words from my brain to the paper

means i’m a failure

the more i want to be in that world with kai and phoenix

that world where i could be a hero and find friends

and not be judged on whether i can write that paper

or by how well i fill in bubbles

but by my heart

the more i want to not have this life

the more i want to be kai

the more i want phoenix

the more i want

anything

but this